may I be Frank ?

Attachments

Didn't think you'd notice I've gone. I'm chuffed. I've been in this hospital for three weeks. I miss the blog very much. It's hard not to star in your own show everyday. I haven't really wanted to see anyone or do anything since I've been in hospital. I've lurched between infection, pain, hunger and dizziness, not in that order.

Yet they've well and truly wired me up. I'm attached to a feeding bag, saline drip, and morphine and anti-sickness pump.

I write this on boyf laptop where he can take my little messages safely to cyberspace on the train! No access yet in the hospital.

things you never think you'd be doing

Today I went to a 'support group'.

Whoa!

You'd imagine it to be a bit like AA or something. It wasn't at all. 10 women between 25-60 drinking wine, eating cocktail sausages and laughing loudly. What struck me the most was that there were more younger women than older. How can that be right?

One beautiful oriental girl who couldn't be more than 28 who'd just had her first chemo. She looked nervous, she had just had her waist length long black hair cut. Another cheery marketing girl, who came in for her first chemo with a hangover was detirmined that she was going to live as normal. "Oh I feel fine, I'll take fridays off after treatment". She made me feel like a fraud. Her mother died of breast cancer so maybe she wasn't as confident as she seemed.

One young girl had a bald head and looked so beautiful, she wore it like a trophy. If I can do it, what's your problem she seemed to be saying. I think she's an actress or something.

Most of the women had breast cancer. I almost feel worse for them than I do myself. As a women it must be so difficult to have, especially when the world seems obsessed by breasts. Can't help feeling jealous some times because breast cancer gets all the publicity, must remember to do something about that. It's more curable than mine though.

a red letter day

I always wondered what that actually means but thought I would wear red just in case, for strength. I wore pink on monday and it just didn't work for me. The anticipation of going to meet the new consultant was palpable. Like the worst type of waiting for exam results. Here I am, anticipating:

The 9 minutes I waited for the train to London Bridge seemed to go on forever
Wait Wait Wait
Then waiting to see the consultant
Then I will be waiting 3 cycles to see if these new drugs work

So...shiny new consultant oncologist said:
- good news is the cancer has got smaller since the last scan
- bad news is the platinum drugs have almost certainly stopped working
- good news is I can try some different ones which may or may not work
- bad news is my hair will definitely fall out completely

don't want you to think I'm vain but some how looking sick as well as being sick is doubly bad

Good news is my boyf is coming from back Italy to see me...tonight!
The things a girl has to do to get attention from a boy eh?