may I be Frank ?

turkey

Xmas day was great. Family all around.
Cool presents.

I didn't eat a thing because I was so excited about coming out of hospital I pigged myself on crisps and sweets. Then went out with the family on christmas eve and ate loads of italian food.

Xmas day I puke loads of green stuff ewww.

Didn't stop me having a good time though.

christmas cheer

Have a fun time at Xmas everyone. I'm unseasonally excited about it.

Normally I detest Xmas but this year we are going to be in London which is a novelty for me. I remember last year I was having trouble eating xmas dinner because I didn't know it but I had a huge cyst. I promised myself that this year I would find out what the hell was the matter with me. I knew I'd been ill for at least 3 years, acutely so for 6 months. I couldn't find out what it was though, however many doctors I saw.

Meanwhile there I was working like a bastard.

I don't even know what I was doing now. I know I was flying to America every month or two, working till nine every night, sleeping all weekend and still being exhausted. I know I worked all the time doing something and could not or would not listen to myself. Without wishing to sound all new age, my body was telling me something but I would not listen.

I always wonder how much my work contributed to my illness. People always say, "no no you mustn't blame yourself, you couldn't have done anything about it" but I don't buy that. If I hadn't been so stressed and tired for a long period (about 5 years) then perhaps my immune system would have fought this thing. I was nursing a broken heart too, and they say you can die of that!

Have a good Xmas, you never know when it might be your last.

new year, new drugs

I forgot to say....

The reason I was back in hospital was my symptoms coming back. This means that the topotecan was not much good. So in the new year I'll be on another new one Caylex. More side effects, apparently the skin on your hands goes red and sore and your skin can get darker.

Save on sunbeds eh?

once again with the renegade master

Well hello...

Back from the hospital
again

2 bags of blood in
3 litres of fluid out
3 litres of water in
no more pain
can eat normally

So room for Christmas dinner now. Can't wait.
Not all of my internet shopping has arrived so I will have to print out the ones that haven't and give them as promises.

Went straight to the pub more or less from the hospital.
Thought I needed to catch up on xmas enjoyment.

off to see the wizard

Why is it when you actually see the doctor you start feeling better?
Started to be able to eat again.

Going in to hospital today for some blood and a "drip and suck" as the nurses delightfully call it.
I'm not sure about it now. I don't want the drain cos I know any kind of invasive proceedure is dangerous.

So do I take opiates for Xmas or get the drain?

Keep you posted.

snowdome

Well no winter wonderland for me today.

Could not got to the snow dome in Milton Keynes. Apparently, it was good though if a little mall-style America - bowling, bars and bingo all under the same roof. Along with 3 artificial ski slopes.

Woke up at 2am with tummy ache and it wasn't going away no siree all night.
Watching repeats of Trisha at 4am is quite weird I can tell you.

So the 6am start to go to Milton Keynes was just a no no.

Did make it to my adopted office party though. My friend invited me to their dinner cos I wasn't going to my own. Best meal I've had in ages and kept down. It was fun.

Someone said "you look so well, all pale and interesting like someone should write an opera about you."
Right.

Tomorrow/Today I go back in to hospital for another drain and some more water in a drip. So I'm all fresh and ready for christmas and my trip away at new year.

ps. Does anyone know if Coca Cola changed Santa in to the jolly red and white fluffy character we know today or did St Nicolas always wear red and white?

ways to avoid xmas shopping

I think I've got a good excuse for not braving Oxford Street this year. I saw it today passing through and it wasn't pretty.

I wonder if I could find excuses every year for not shopping?

Err I'm still really ill
I've become a monk
I forgot it was xmas
I didn't know you wanted a present

hmmm

tis the season to go to office parties

Went to a Xmas office party last night.

Saw some lovely people I haven't seen for ages, Ben, Sam and Ben et al.

Never been to a christmas party and drank water before.

Felt I was having an out of body experience - on the one hand I was nodding and talking and looking cheerful while the pain in my tummy was making me feel like I was down a very long tunnel and everyone was really far away. People always say how well I look, as if I couldn't possibly be ill. I do like that, wouldn't it be awful to be sick and look like hell as well. But it's a weird thing.

A well meaning health professional offered me mood enhancing drugs today to get me through the Xmas season. I imagine it's not just me could do with that.

I don't need happy pills, I need the pain in my tummy to stop.

Ho hum, milton keynes snow dome tomorrow, blood transfusion tuesday it's all go...

internet shopping

Feeling a bit better today, still a bit fragile.
Went to see the lovely nurses at the chemo unit yesterday and they made me laugh.

Looks like I wont be going out to do Xmas shopping so best get online now.

ps. The parents are back from Sydney for Xmas. Hurrah!

fading out

A few months ago I talked to a lady who had had the same cancer as me. She talked about feeling like she was dying and coming back to life during chemotherapy. I couldn't understand what she ment at the time.

I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me whilst they try to make me better.

It is really hard to eat anything when you have taken major anti-sickness tablets because they shut your system down. When it starts working again there are terrible stomach cramps. Don't tell me to eat fibre, I'm on a low fibre diet.

Geez

I feel so weak.

Cancer doctors talk about something called "side effect profile" of chemotherapy drugs and want to know that you are "tolerating the treatment well". I now understand how people get so weak, it's not the cancer particularly, it's the lack of food.

I find this all very frustrating because I can't do anything especially not sleep. I want to enjoy the time I have to buy xmas presents and I can't even get to the shops.

Hmmpf
Moan
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