Knew it wasn't going to go well - the results of my scan weren't back in time for me to see the consultant. This was my 5th Chemotherapy treatment and the scan was to see if the drugs do work.
If the tumours have grown then I will have to have different drugs and they might not work as well. Near impossible to get a straight answer out of my consultant Oncologist. This isn't Frank I'm talking about, Frank is a surgeon. Peter knows about the drugs. He's old school and used to dealing with little old ladies who just want to be told that it's all ok. I want something a bit more analytical and structured. I'm 35 I want to know if and when this bastard is going to kill me.
Waiting for scan results is like waiting for exam results but much much worse even a days delay is just awful, I couldn't have my chemo today because of it. I decided there didn't seem much point putting cytotoxic poison in to me if it was the wrong sort.
What isn't it with the medical proffession that even in 2003 they can't treat you as an equal partner? Everything I read tells me being an active patient is better for your head if you can take a part in your treatment. This guy had been making me depressed with his lack of answers and partronising behavior. I took my sister in law and previously my sister and they both agreed that he was difficult.
So I ditched him...
I'm getting a nice new shiny reconstructed consultant on Wednesday who will explain things to me and recap when I ask stupid questions. Believe me when you are trying to listen to all this important stuff if it is really difficult to hear what they are saying.
It gave me a great deal of pleasure to politely and reasonably get rid.
but then when my day couldn't get any worse, my hair started falling out in clumps. Just under my right ear. I put my hand through my hair and there it was. I'd been really lucky up to now and I'd got a full head of hair. Why today ? Why why why?
oh and the yoga class I turned up to wasn't on
uggh
Hope your new, shiny, reconstructed Oncologist is an all singing all dancing creation too :0) Keep your finger on the delete button as your the seniour partner in this particular 'game' and it can be so liberating when some 'specialist' or other falls into a faint when the words F**k and YOU are announced airily but with pin point precision on that button.
Posted by: Daisy-Winifred | Oct 15, 2003 at 08:05 AM
Daisy Winifred who are you? You seem to know what you are talking about.
Posted by: candygirl | Oct 15, 2003 at 09:56 AM
My hair fell out in patches some years ago. Alopecia areata, they told me. Dont care what the name is, I just dreaded any windy weather...
I know how this affected me as a guy, so I can only guess how you must have felt...after a while, I stopped examining my head in the mirror, and then one day I looked in the mirror and it had grown back again! Woohoo! I even went to a real hairdresser to celebrate.
But some more stress in my life, and it fell out again. :-( I still have some patches even now, but the sight of Mo Mowlam stopped me feeling sorry for myself. Not sure that this helps, and there is no "moral" in this story, just my experience.
Great blog BTW, Ive linked to you!
Posted by: Paul | Oct 24, 2003 at 04:56 AM
Well I don't know which is worse waiting for it to fall out or it falling out. I've been worrying about it since I started chemo and still have most of it, it's just thinner. Now I know it's falling out next chemo with the new drugs then I've started worrying again. I could have had a full 4 months NOT worrying about it.
Posted by: candygirl | Oct 24, 2003 at 11:40 AM
Hi Candygirl -- I see I'm in good company here with Daisy-Winifred and Paul -- I was lucky in that my I let my ovaries go just as they were turning toxic. I had actually been trying to get pregnant (just turned 40 then, 12 years ago), but was allergic to the fertility drug (acutally made from nun piss, hope you'll excuse expression, but it's true) and had to quit trying. Come by and visit if you have a chance.
Posted by: Beth | Oct 25, 2003 at 02:19 AM
The fertility drugs they give you to stimulate the ovaries have been linked to ovarian cancer, that's why I didn't get to harvest any eggs. Far too dangerous for me I'm afraid! Thanks for your message.
Posted by: candygirl | Oct 25, 2003 at 06:52 PM
Thanks for visiting my site. That (the fertility drugs) may be why my ovaries kicked up such a fuss they had to be removed, so 'though I was very lucky (no oncologist involvement), I do know what it's like to go through surgical menopause. Thought about adoption, but eventually figured my step-grandkids needed a non-mother youthful grandma. It's working. Stay strong.
Posted by: Beth | Oct 26, 2003 at 01:52 AM